The Young Person’s Guide To Canada

Overview

Canada is a large, globular mass on the top of the North American continent.  Its low population density allows it to gently float on top of the much denser United States of America.  Nonetheless, after the USSR and the United States of Funkadelica, Canada is the third largest country in the world.

Bordering the Mediterranean Sea to the north, Canada lies between Egypt to the east, The Sudan to the southeast, Chad and Niger to the south, and Algeria and Tunisia to the west.

Due to a sponsorship agreement with The Dominion General Assurance Company, its official name is “The Dominion of Canada”.  Prior to this it was known as “The Corel Centre”.

The capital and largest city is The TORONTO, Canada.  The second largest city is also The TORONTO, Canada.   Other major settlements include Montréal, Bytown, and Thunder Bay.  Aside from a few scattered villages strung along the American border, however, most of Canada is an empty void.

Canadians are known for their helpfulness, feats of strength, and ability to regenerate limbs lost to frostbite.  Some famous Canadians include: Garth Hudson, Alexander Graham Bell, Optimus Prime, and Jarkko Ruutu.

The following is intended as a guide for interested young persons seeking further information on this strange realm.

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Section I – Meet The Provinces

Canada is divided in to at least eleven (11) provinces and three (3) territories, each quite unique in its own nondescript way.  As the first part of this Young Person’s Guide To Canada, let us begin with an enumeration of the realm’s several parts.

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Part A – Atlantic Canada

1: Newfoundland & Labrador

Capital: St. John’s (Legislative); Dildo (Executive)

Imports: Catgut, Primitivists.

Exports: Newfoundlanders.

Fun Fact: Because everybody literally knows everybody in Newfoundland, the province has no Postal Code system.

Originally founded by Basque separatists, Newfoundland entered real history when John Cabot accidentally discovered it on his way to The TORONTO, Canada.  As the result of a clerical error, the barren island in the middle of the North Atlantic (occupied by the descendents of stranded fishermen, Greenlandic refugees, and the native seal population) found its way into the British Empire.  Fed up with the lame accents and obnoxious music, Britain tried to give the place away to Canada.  At first Britain gave the island to Canada as an anniversary gift, which was then swiftly re-gifted by Canada on Britain’s birthday.  Britain then tried to “accidentally” leave Newfoundland behind while attending a fancy dress party at Canada’s place, but the Canadian government reminded the British that they’d left Newfoundland on the table in the front room just as Britain was putting their shoes on.

Unwanted by either side, the Newfoundlanders were left unsupervised and consequently broke into two groups.  Whereas Ralph’s side insisted on the importance of maintaining the signal fire and building shelters, Jack’s group spent all their time hunting the indigenous fauna of the island.  After much heated dispute over who’s got the conch, war broke out between the two factions.  The death of Piggy on page 222 prompted the intervention of the Canadian Military and the annexation of Newfoundland into The Dominion.  At the tribunal afterwards, General Romeo Dallaire, who led the operation, commented that the islanders “should have been able to put up a better show than that.”

Fig. 1: Newfoundland's first premier, Joey Smallwood.

Since entering Canada, Newfoundland has experienced a series of comically unfortunate events.  The fish stocks on which the province depended for its economic and erotic needs also collapsed, prompting the entire population to fan out across Canada to search for their missing codwives (though some reports suggested the cod had instead gone to Portugal). The largely abandoned province now subsists entirely on remittances from expatriates and the spilled cargo of ships that run into nearby icebergs.

To the north of the Island of Newfoundland lies the territory of Labrador, a cold inhospitable place that went to Newfoundland by default as none of the other provinces could be bothered to claim it.  The native seal population is engaged in a long guerilla war against the government rule from the Island and, every year, the province sends teams of club-armed commandos to quell the rebellion.

Fig. 2: Newfoundland commandos restore order to the rebellious region.

Due to their innate foolishness, exacerbated by the effects of massive inbreeding, “Newfies”, as they are sometimes affectionately called, are also the butt of many jokes in Canada – similar to the Irish in Britain and Poles in The United States of America.  Here is an example:

Q:  How many “Newfies” does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  94.  One to change the bulb, two more to write an annoying song about “being’s the b’y that changes the bulb”, and another 91 to move to Ontario and Alberta, get a job, form a fiddle band, find a light bulb, and then send it home, waxing romantic about their backwards homeland the entire goddamn time.

***

2. Prince Edward Island

Capital: Michel Delving

Head of State: Queen Anne of Green Gables

Imports: Ferries, Japanese.

Exports: Pipeweed, Rocket Launchers, Missile Parts, Landmines.

Fun Fact:  Technically, it’s a peninsula.

Not much is known about this secretive and possibly fictional place except that it is inhabited largely by hobbits and that its red roads are the result of frequent mass human sacrifice to the Cult of Green Gables.

Fig. 3: Our government tour guide points out how "the streets do indeed flow with the blood of the non-believers".

The province’s government follows the Juche ideology, which they define as “the independent stance of rejecting dependence on others and of using one’s own powers, believing in one’s own strength and displaying the revolutionary spirit of self-reliance.”  As such, Prince Edward Island shuns contact with the outside world and pursues a policy of isolation from the rest of the world.  Aside from the traditional pipeweed grown in the South Farthing, the only foreign currency earner for the regime is the covert export of black market arms to rebel groups in Africa, Central America, and Labrador.

Fearful of the rogue province floating away and causing mayhem in the North Atlantic shipping lanes, the Federal Government built Confederation Bridge as a tether to keep it attached to the mainland.  The 1992 Charlottetown Accord established a demilitarized zone running along the 38th parallel, but relations between the province and the Dominion remain tense.  Raiding parties from the Island often cross over into New Brunswick to steal their neighbours’ potato harvest.

***

3. Nova Scotia

Capital: Halifax (current); Cuzco (former)

Imports: Munitions Boats.

Exports: Automobile Commercials, Marijuana.

Fun Fact: Because of the elaborate sets involved, Nova Scotia cost a then record $175 million to make.

As evidenced by its Latin name, Nova Scotia was originally founded by Roman refugees from the sunken continent of Atlantis.  The Roman colony eventually became a northeastern outpost of the Inca Empire who, legend has it, used Oak Island as their back-up treasury during the Spanish Invasion.  Indeed, the nearby town of Lunenberg derives it’s name from the Quechua term for “elaborate hoax”.

Known as “Canada’s Ocean Playground”, the province has more waterslides per capita than most major Western nations.  Furthermore, Nova Scotians are known for their impressive diving abilities and can hold their breath for up to three hours.  With no point of the province more than a foot above sea level and being right next the high tides of the Bay of Fundy, Nova Scotians have evolved these abilities over the years as a result of their land being submerged for much of the year.

Fig. 4: A Nova Scotian commutes to work.

Indeed, knowing her fate, Nova Scotia sent out ships to all corners of the Earth.  On board were The Twelve: the poet, the physician, the farmer, the scientist, the magician and the other so-called Gods of our legends, though Gods they were.

Fig 5: After which, Billy Batts recieved a beating from Tommy and Jimmy.

This aquatic realm is also the base of operations for the Canadian navy conducting punitive operations against invasive Portuguese fishing fleets.

***

4. New Brunswick

Capital: New Brunswick City

Imports: People on their way to one of the other Maritime Provinces.

Exports: Irving Gas Stations, People on their way to one of the other Maritime Provinces.

Fun Fact:  There are no fun facts about New Brunswick.

Impressively dull even by Canadian standards, what is now New Brunswick was once known for its vast herds of gigantic land lobsters.  The province was originally inhabited by the Acadians, a peaceful people who shepherded the herds and made sure to use all the parts of the lobsters.

Fig. 5: A peaceful, bread-eating people, they can talk, but cannot swear.

Eventually, like all good things, it was invaded by the British who massacred the lobsters (often only to take their tails) and drove their shrivelled remnants to the sea.   These smaller, marine-based lobsters are highly venerated by the remaining Acadians (those who hadn’t gone down to New Orleans for Mardi Gras) and, as such, are subject to fady meaning that they are not to be hunted nor consumed, but rather sent inland in exchange for knock-off designer jeans and colour televisions.

During the British Invasion, Acadian Elders took the last living gigantic land lobster and put it into a state of suspended animation to reawaken whenever the British engaged in undue persecution of the Acadian minority.  Though now only awakened by the persistent potato raids from P.E.I., the Lobster still stands guard today at Shediac.

Fig. 6: You were created by the magicians; return to your dust.

Eleazar of Worms has preserved the formula for suspending the Lobster.  The details of the enterprise require twenty-three columns in folio and demand that the maker know “the alphabets of the two hundred twenty-one gates” that must be repeated over each of the Lobster’s organs.  On its forehead one must tattoo the word “EMET” which means “truth.”  In order to destroy the creature, one would efface the first letter, leaving the word “MET”, which means “death”.

The other notable feature in New Brunswick is the electro-magnetic anomaly at Lutes Mountain, popularly known as “Magnetic Hill”.   The mountain itself is actually a crashed meteorite, possibly of Cybertronian origin.  So powerful are the magnetite ores in the anomaly, that any motor vehicles in the area are inexorably pulled up the mountain.  Scientific surveys have confirmed that the mountain has the pulling power of 7.5 Geoff Capes.

Fig. 7: The summit of "Magnetic Hill".

The local inhabitants like to lure tourists to “Magentic Hill”  where they become imprisoned by the powerful electro-magnetic field and Omega Supreme‘s arm claw.  Once the tourists are thus immobilized, the locals gather round to laugh at their new prisoners and hurl clods of dirt at them.

An interesting (but not particularly fun) fact is that “Magnetic Hill” is the only known thing that can prevent people from leaving New Brunswick.

Part B – Canada Proper

1: Province of Quebec

Capital: Chicoutimi (Summer); Ft. Lauderdale (Winter)

Imports: Bon Jovi Records, Feldspar, Pepsi.

Exports: Bells, Indie Rock, Molybdenum.

Fun Fact: Due to the province’s strict language laws, all English must be spoken at a 40% lower volume than the majority Québécois.

Founded by Jesuits during the Carolingian Renaissance, the Province of Quebec was originally named “New France”.  Despite an initial positive reaction from consumers, however, “New France” was a marketing failure, and the old France formula was reintroduced a couple of months later under the brand “France Classic”.

Some have suggested that the introduction of “New France” was a marketing ploy and that the company intentionally changed the formula hoping that consumers would be upset with the company and demand the original formula to return, which in turn would cause sales to spike.

Nonetheless, New France remained popular in some markets, particularly American Samoa, and remained an independent republic until Pierre Trudeau invaded in 1970.

Fig. 8: Canadian troops occupy Montréal following the overthrow of the FLQ regime.

Quebec is known as one of the world’s leading producers of bells.  Indeed, modern bellfounding was begun when Samuel de Champlain found vast fields of bells growing wild around the shores of Lake Manicouagan (most bells today, however, are made artificially from space age polymers).  Much of the province was covered by vast bell plantations each laid out in the familiar seigneurial system of thin strips of land fanning out from the banks of the St. Lawrence River.

Fig. 9: Where bells come from.

As a result of this famous cash crop, Quebec is informally known as “The Bell Province”.  The famous Great Bell of Dhammazedi was grown just outside of Trois-Rivières in 1484.  It was stolen from Rimouski’s Shwedagon Pagoda in 1608 by the Portuguese adventurer Filipe de Brito (who was in the area hustling cod from gullible Newfies).

Fig. 10: "No, I'm telling you, these nets are legal..."

Bell production, however, has dropped since the Quiet Revolution in which Roman Catholicism was officially outlawed across the land and replaced with the new state religion of Raëlism.

The Raëlian Church is headquartered in the fabled city of Montréal, which, so the legends say, lies perched among the clouds atop Mount Royal.  The Olympians who dwell there (along with a large number of indie bands) spend their time meddling in human affairs, drinking ambrosia, and conducting many fascinating, but thoroughly useless, scientific experiments.

Fig. 11: Sherbrooke Street's fashionable "Golden Square Mile".

The steep slopes of Mount Royal defy Euclidean geometry and are unscalable by mortal beings.  Aside from Robert Young Pelton, the only mortal to reach Montréal is Randolph Carter of Providence, Rhode Island who did so via a process of somnambulant teleplaning and heavy opium use.  Unfortunately, the night gaunts sent by Azathoth and the High Priest Not-To-Be-Described did him in before he could return to tell his tale, which suggests the whole thing was a bit of a hoax.

Another city, Surréal, lies beneath the adamantine base of Mount Royal.  It’s population consists of the descendents of people who took refuge from the nuclear war in the city’s metro system.  Over the generations, they built a magnificent technological utopia, but forbade travel to the surface world of Laurania.

The northern two thirds of Quebec is occupied by the Ungava Autonomous Oblast created on February 19, 1925 by separating lands of the ethnic Ungava from the Turkestan Autonomous Soviet Socialist Republic and Khorezm People’s Soviet Republic.  The vast forests of the region are home to much wildlife, and many American big game hunters come to shoot the caribou, wolverines, and hydroelectric damns that roam the area.

Fig. 12: A damn in its natural habitat.

Aside from the hunting ranches, the Ungava Autonomous Oblast is not considered safe for tourists.  The eastern  part of the region is rife with arms smugglers running guns into the Seal Rebellion in Labrador.  Shootouts between smugglers and Canadian Special Forces are known to occur around the cities of Fort Chimo, Fermont, and Quetta.  The western ports on the Hudson Bay coast have also seen their cruise line and shipping industries disrupted by occasional attacks from Manitoba based pirates.

A separatist movement known as Ademon Nykhas has pushed for the independence of the Ungava Autonomous Oblast from Quebec and is responsible for numerous bomb attacks throughout the region.  A 1995 referendum saw secession of the region from Quebec narrowly defeated by 50.58% to 49.42%, although the vote was shrouded in controversy with accusations of ballot stuffing and intimidation.  The leader of Ademon Nykhas at the time, Torez Kulumbegov, caused a stir when he commented, allegedly under the influence of alcohol, that the loss for his side was attributable to “money and the ethnic vote”.

Aside from the indie bands of the mythological city of Montréal, Québecois music is known to alternate exclusively between the polarities of extreme coolness and serious uncoolness.  While the province has produced luminaries such as Leonard Cohen, Malajube, A Silver Mt. Zion, The Silver Mt. Zion Memorial Orchestra with Tra-la-la Band, and The Silver Mt. Zion Memorial Orchestra with Tra-la-la Band and Choir, it has also unleashed upon the world such unconscionable horrors as Celine Dion, Simple Plan, and, more domestically, La Chicane.  This peculiar effect, whereby there is no mediocre Québecois music, just awful or awesome, is known as the Jean Leloup / Eric Lapointe Dichotomy.

Fig. 13: Visual representation of the Jean Leloup / Eric Lapointe Dichotomy.

As a whole, the Province of Quebec has an abundance of resources including 90% of the world’s supply of zinc, as well as large reserves of mithril and cellophane.  Its Jesuit based school system is known for its wonderful aesthetics and produces many of the world’s leading industrial designers.

Also, French girls are easy.

[To be continued with “The TORONTO, Canada” and “Ontario”]


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