Senators Game Day Predictions

Oh yes.  We are back.  We are back.

19 October 2013:

Captain Spezza looks out from the keep over the gloom of the evening battlefield. Now gleams the wandering moon beneath the silver clouds: the shining armour of the approaching Edmonton Oilers. Now is not the time for counting days; weary be he who rows against the wind. Then rose up many a gold-decked thane, girded on his sword; shields must needs be in the hands of the bold men. The standing tree shall suffer for its leaves, lament its branches, and curse its roots. Sens win 81-2, Greening picks up two assists.

17 October 2013:

While the Senators were on the six game road trip that started the season, Eugene Melnyk’s Union Aerospace Corporation was using the Canadian Tire Centre to conduct research on its inter-dimensional space travel program. Unfortunately, these experiments opened up a portal to Hell and the suburbs of Kanata are now crawling with demonic hellspawn bent on taking over the world. And so it’s up to Matt Kassian, the last surviving space marine from the squad sent up from Mars to quell the invasion, to stop the the devils with his trusty shotgun and rocket launcher. As he walks through the main entrance of the arena, he hears animal-like growls echoing throughout the distant corridors. They know he’s here. There’s no turning back now. Sens win 926-1.

15 October 2013:

Associated with the sun, a Phoenix obtains new life by arising from the ashes of its predecessor. We can only assume this new life will ultimately be in the Pacific Northwest and not the Southwestern desert. Nonetheless, they remain a foe to be respected and not underestimated. Sens win 1461-2.

13 October 2013:

Should be an easy game for the Senators as the team they are facing is called the Ducks. I mean, what are a bunch of ducks going to do? Throw their eggs? Fly in tight formation and dive bomb the Sens with their sharpened bills? Use their little duck feet to make little duck submarines that can launch little duck intercontinental ballistic missiles at Ottawa? Man, wise up! Sens win 231-14. Condra goes plus 2.

12 October 2013:

In Verse 55 of Century IV of his prophecies, Nostradamus tells us that “When the Crow on a tower made of brick / For seven hours shall do nothing but cry, / Death shall be foretold and the statue dyed with blood / Tyrant shall be murdered and the people pray to the Gods.” Even the most novice augurist will clearly recognize this as an ironclad prediction of Michalek’s double hat-trick tonight against his former team, the San Jose Sharks. Sens win 84-3.

9 October 2013:

After carefully navigating through a bizarre, surreal landscape of floating platforms, flying turtles, and inexplicable, possibly bottomless pits, the Ottawa Senators are dismayed to discover that, despite stomping on the heads of their Los Angeles Kings foes, the princess was in another castle the entire time. Still, Sens win 32 – 1.

5 October 2013:

Assuming that the pre-game ceremonies end some time before the end of the game, Ottawa should win this one easily. Regardless, rest assured that all of the following foretold events will occur: Condra will miss several opportunities with an open net; either Kassian or Smith will get in a fight, while Neil looks on jealously from the bench; the wolf, Fenrir, will be bound by the gods, causing the god Tyr to lose his right hand; and Greening will go +2. Sens win 67-4 in a shootout.

1 December 2011:

The Sens’ late autumnal visit to Dallas brings much controversy tonight as a result of Ottawa’s go-ahead goal. Though NHL official Earl Warren credits the goal to a Brian “Harvey” Lee’s powerful point shot, many conspiracy theorists believe a second shot came from Nick Foligno, who was allegedly screening Dallas goaltender Andrew Raycroft from the Grassy Knoll. Senators win 63-7.

29 November 2011:

In search of Unknown Kadath, Ottawa comes to the Plain of Leng, which no healthy folk visit and whose evil fires are seen at night from afar. There, all alone in the hush and the dusk and the cold, rises the uncouth stones of a squat windowless building wherein dwells uncompanioned the High-Priest Not To Be Described, which wears a yellow silken mask over its face and prays to the Other Gods and their crawling chaos Nyarlathotep, all while providing spurts of offense from the Jets’ blueline. Sens win 43-1, but David Rundblad is carried off by the Night Gaunts, his tormented shrieks echoing in the night. Foligno goes +2.

20 November 2011:

When the Senators roll into Vancouver, the Canucks are dazzled by the brilliance of young defenseman Brian Lee. I mean literally dazzled: the white light reflected off his ghostly, pallid visage is blinding, like the flash of an atom bomb. Disoriented and unable to see, the Canucks stumble around the rink, allowing the Sens to run amok in the Vancouver zone. Sens win 117-5.

15 November 2011:

Due to a clerical error, the Senators arrive in Calgary with only goaltender equipment. Icing six goaltenders, the Sens are prevented from crossing the centre line by Rule 27.7, impairing their scoring ability. Still, they hang on for the win 9-3, Foligno gets two delay of game penalties for playing the puck outside the trapezoid.

12 November 2011:

Legends of the wild man abound the world over from the European Woodwose to the Orang Pendek of Malaya. Scholars posit that these stories may be a cultural memory of our hominid ancestors, and some say these ancestors may survive in scattered relict populations. Final proof of the survival of such cavemen is offered when Sergei “Sarge” Gonchar presents the Royal Zoological Society with the corpse of Phil Kessel, whose sloping brow and deep-set eyes provide, even in death, a chilling reminder of our animal origins. Sens win 81-2.

9 November 2011:

Ottawa faces off tonight against the Rangers of New York, the last scattered remnants of the Lost Realm of Arnor. Though great trackers and hardy warriors, without their leader Wolski, Son of Arathorn, who flees on the eve of battle, they are no match for the mighty forces under the command of Filip “The Witch King” Kuba. Senators win 861-2.

5 November 2011:

The hierarchized intimidation of and by Upstate bison is disturbed when it turns out it is Filip Kuba and Sergei Gonchar — and not Buffalo buffalo — who buffalo Buffalo buffalo. Sens win 45-2.

4 November 2011:

You know that déjà vu you experienced recently? Well, that wasn’t déjà vu, my friend, that was actually a disturbance in the timespace continuum produced by the intensity of the Senators’ latest scrimmage. The Montréal Canadiens cannot stop this fury. Sens win 841-(-7.2), Foligno gets two assists.

29 October 2011:

Following their disastrous loss to the St. Louis Cardinals in the World Series, the Rangers must now face the Ottawa Senators in a consolation match. Evangelical outfielder Josh Hamilton’s attempts at proselytizing some of the Norse Senators are stymied when Alfredsson makes a rather nice drinking glass out of his skull. Sens win 38-3.

27 October 2011:

A bizarre evening in Ottawa as the Senators square off against a motley assortment of Black radicals and feline humanoids from Third Earth. Despite the efforts of young forward Lion-O, the Sens hold on to the win 130-Snarf.

25 October 2011:

A rather lopsided affair this evening as the Ottawa Senators face off against a woman named Carolina. Still, being 300 hundred miles wide and featuring headwinds of over 125 mph, Carolina presents some challenges for Ottawa’s erratic defense. Nonetheless, the Sens hold on for the win, 934-27.

22 October 2011:

The Sens’ rapid puck cycling in the Columbus zone creates a powerful vortex that sucks most of the Blue Jackets into a portal to another dimension. Despite the Elder Gods’ displeasure, Ottawa holds on for the win 94-8.

20 October 2011:

After the destruction of their watery kingdom, the Atlantis Thrashers were condemned to wander the icy wastes of Winnipeg. Coming to Ottawa to exact revenge, the Jets — as they now call themselves — are stymied when veteran D-man and noted warlock Filip Kuba opens up a portal to the Elemental Plane of Puck Possession and casts spells of invisibility over the Senators. Thus charmed, Sens win 343-12. Regin gains 50 experience points, and Michalek levels up.

18 October 2011:

It’s well known that in space no-one can hear you scream. Scotiabank Place, however, is manifestly on Earth making the howls of the disemboweled Flyers all the more audible. Sens win 176-7. Gonchar hits for the cycle.

15 October 2011:

With Ovechkin out due to not being able to produce his long form birth certificate, Washington’s gerrymandering in the neutral zone is no match for Ottawa’s filibuster which quickly swiftboats Semin’s pork barrel, leaving bluedog goalie Vokoun open to a thorough borking. Sens win 525-13, Foligno goes plus 2.

13 October 2011:

After being booed by his own fans during the pregame introductions last night, Ottawa defender Sergei Gonchar decides, “Fuck it, I’m gonna play for the visiting Colorado Avalanche.” Consequently, Ottawa is able to easily keep the puck in the Colorado zone and exploit the many defensive turnovers. Sens win 55-2, with a hat trick by, oh let’s say, Chris Phillips.

11 October 2011:

Even with Jon Casey’s steady presence in nets, the Minnesota North Stars face a shellacking from the Ottawa Senators who, despite playing with only two skaters on the ice at a time, win 91-27. Filip Kuba gets 2 assists, and Dany Heatley gets 3 months probation and a $25,000 fine.

8 October 2011:

Taking Astrotrain back from Detroit, the Senators are pulled into the Schwarzschild radius of The TORONTO where they must do battle with the Maple Leafs and their evil Quintesson overlords. Fortunately the Sens are bailed out by the arrival of Zenon Konopka (voiced by Eric Idle) as his Junkion colleagues. Sens win 72-5, Lee goes plus 2.

7 October 2011:

“Drive your carts over the bones of the dead.” So says William Blake and indeed when the youthful Senators come to the Thunderdome in the post-apocalyptic wasteland that once was Detriot, such carnage occurs. Despite the heavy artillery of Redwings power-forward ED-209, Sens hold on for the win 92-3.

2 December 2010:

Mayhem breaks out at Scotiabank Place tonight when a skinny Brit, a hairy wolfman, and a large, alarmingly bald man rush out to attack Dany Heatley with pointed sticks. Despite the distraction of buzzards circling the twitching carcass, Sens win 941-15. Cheechoo gets a hat trick.

(Admittedly, this may seem like an unrealistically high score, but bear in mind that Ottawa has had some defensive trouble recently, so 15 goals from San Jose would not be impossible.)

18 October 2010:

Since the demise of the Soviet Union, all manner of complicated weaponry has flooded on to the black market. None of it, however, made its way into the hands of the Pittsburgh Penguins rendering them defenseless to the Ottawa onslaught. Sens win 89-17.

16 October 2010:

The Montréal Canadiens are replaced at the last minute by invaders from the underground city of Surréal. Morlock-like and ungainly, les Surréalais are easily taken apart by Brian Lee’s point shot. Sens win 94-7.

21 September 2010: Preseason Warm-up #1

With many of the top Ottawa players not in the line-up for this preseason warm up, this should be a considerably closer game than usual. Still, despite not even being in the arena, Jason Spezza nets a hat-trick to silence his critics. Sens win 112-4, Kelly goes plus 2.

The 2010 Stanley Cup Playoffs

24 April 2010: Game 6 vs. Pittsburgh

Despite the fact that the Senators have already mathematically clinched the series, the Death March of the Penguins carries grimly on. Jason Spezza becomes unstuck in time and experiences the game as a series of disconnected, random moments — all of them shorthanded breakaway goals. Sens win 112-18.

Result: Penguins 4-3 (OT)

22 April 2010: Game 5 vs. Pittsburgh

Alex Kovalev’s bionic knee is installed just in time to give the Senators some much needed offensive skills. In fact, the Senators lay such a savage beatdown on the Penguins that the victory counts as three games, thus allowing them to win the series and advance to the conference semi-finals. Sens win 412-1.

Result: Senators 4-3 (3OT)

20 April 2010: Game 4 vs. Pittsburgh

With Jonathan Cheechoo back in the line-up, the Senators are now an unstoppable force of nature. The eruption of offense as a result of the Cheechoo train leaving the station blankets eastern North America in a cloud of ash and dust and grounds all air travel for the next two weeks. Sens win 56-5.

Result: Penguins 7-4

18 April 2010: Game 3 vs. Pittsburgh

No referees tonight, so the game devolves into savagery. Despite Crosby’s protestations that he’s “got the conch”, Sutton looses a boulder which crushes Talbot. Also, Gary Bettman’s head is on a stick and he says that it’s “no go”. Sens win 90-54. Kelly goes plus 2.

Result: Penguins 4-2

14 April 2010: Game 1 vs. Pittsburgh

The playoffs begin with a bang as Fisher sets off some fireworks when Cheechoo scores three goals in his first shift. At 16:47 of the second period, a chicken walks across the ice with hilarious consequences. Moreover, Cullen advises Carthage be destroyed. Sens win 87-8.

Result: Senators 5-4

The Ottawa Senators 2009-2010 Season

30 March 2010:

Things get a bit hairy tonight in Washington as the visiting Ottawa Senators are mistaken for US Democratic Senators and are consequently shot at by right-wing anti-healthcare gun nuts. Volchenkov blocks several rounds of armour piercing bullets, meaning he’ll be out for this game, but he should be back next week once the liquid metal recoagulates. In the meantime, Sens win 219-39.

Result: Senators 5-4 (OT)

20 March 2010:

Violence and intrigue this afternoon at Southfork Arena as Dallas hosts Ottawa. Fans are left hanging when Brad “B.R.” Richards is mysteriously shot at the end of the second period, but after much speculation focused primarily on Jarkko Ruutu, Richards’ assailant is revealed in the third to be linemate Steve Ott (who is pregnant with his love child). Sens win 357-14.

Result: Stars 5-4

18 March 2010:

In The Critias, Plato tells of the mighty island kingdom of Atlanta, which sank beneath the waves as a result of hubris and trading away their best players. The legends state that someday Kovalchuk will return and Atlanta will rise again, but not tonight. Senators win 404-30.

Result: Thrashers 6-3

16 March 2010:

Ottawa overcomes its scoring woes tonight when it calls up Italian soundtrack maestros Ennio Morricone and Piero Umiliani from the AHL. Although the lush strings and vintage synths were not quite what Cory Clouston had in mind when he called for more “urgency” in the Sens’ play, there’s no denying that Zeudi Araya is smoking hot. Sens win 26-1.

Result: Maple Leafs 4-1. Goddamnit.

11 March 2010:

Emboldened by The Staff’s return to prognostication, the Senators engage in a brutal deconstruction of the Flames. Attacking Iginla’s blatant logocentrism, Michalek insists that all puck possession is merely a process of infinite deferral in which the play is always already not yet present. Sens win 74-30.

Result: Flames 2-0

SPECIAL OLYMPIC BREAK TEAM CANADA PREDICTIONS

24 February 2010:

At the pre-game press conference, Ovechkin bangs his shoe on the podium and promises to “bury” Team Canada. However, things go awry when several of the Russian lines split to form their own breakaway teams.  Canada wins 91-17.

Result: Canada 7-3

23 February 2010:

Despite Team Germany’s promise of a Thousand Minute Powerplay, their defensive Wall crumbles in the face of Canada’s liberating attack. Thanks to Team Russia having worn the Germans down, Canada wins 5533-45.

Result: Canada 8-2

21 February 2010:

Today’s matchup between Canada and The USA proves to be classic game of hockey or, as it is called in The States, American Iced Skate-Polo. Although some American players, unable to find Canada on a map, didn’t make it to Vancouver, the Canadian team is also shorthanded as a result of Heatley demanding a trade to Russia. Canada wins 1983-76.

Result: United States of America 5-3

18 February 2010:

Although Swiss regulations prohibit the release of the team’s lineup (Swiss players are identified only by their numbers), the Canadians can expect strong Swiss play in the Neutral Zone, but not much of an offensive attack. Exploiting the many holes in the Swiss defense, Canada wins 91-26.

Result: Canada 3-2 (SO)

16 February 2010:

Canada cycles the puck in the Norwegian zone so damn fast against the rotation of the Earth that they travel back in time to the 10th Century. Facing a tough team captained by Erik Bloodaxe (whose capture of York set an international record for penalty minutes), Canada neutralizes the aggressive Viking forecheck and holds on for the win 93-54.

Result: Canada 8-0

Back to the Senators…

13 February 2010:

With Cheechoo now in the AHL after demanding a trade to Binghamton, the Senators will have to work hard to replace his offense. Fortunately, with grit, determination, and a few elbows from Ruutu, Ottawa sticks it out and wins a scrappy one. Sens win 41-9.

Result: Red Wings 4-1

11 February 2010:

An unusually cerebral game against Washington tonight as Ovechkin spends much of the first period discussing Ottoman history with Chris Phillips.  However, the tone is lightened when hapless goalie Leclaire slips and gets his arm stuck in a toilet during the second intermission.  Sens win 31-0.

Result: Senators 6-5.

09 February 2010:

The Internet turns ugly this evening as the City of Calgary flames Ottawa in various chatrooms and forums. Fed up with trolling, the Senators exact revenge and totally pwn Calgary n00bz. Rolling on the floor, laughing their asses off, Sens win 41-7.

Result: Senators 3-2

06 February 2010:

Toronto forward Phil Kessel has to really get his legs moving against the fast-skating Ottawa team. As a result, the Senators make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs. Sens win 77-5.

Result: Maple Leafs 5-0

03 February 2010:

The Buffalo team is unnerved by the Senators’ consistent physical play. Indeed, you could say that, tonight, there will be much rattling of Sabres. Sens win 81-11.

Result: Senators 4-2

28 January 2010:

Tonight’s game turns into a Kafka-esque nightmare for the Pittsburgh Penguins as the harder they skate to the Ottawa net, the further it seems to get away. Also: Evgeni Malkin is transformed into a monstrous beetle. Sens win 83-24.

Result: Senators 4-1

26 January 2010:

After playing a telecast of tonight’s game backwards, two New Jersey fans commit suicide. At the ensuing trial, Brodeur denies that the team puts subliminal messages in its games, stating that if they wanted to insert subliminal commands in their games, killing their fans would be counterproductive, and that they would prefer to insert the command “Buy more of our merchandise.” Sens win 66-6.

Result: Senators 3-0

23 January 2010:

It is often said that the quickest route to a man’s heart is through his stomach. However, as Matt Carkner ably demonstrates on Boston’s Milan Lucic this evening, the most direct route is actually to plunge one’s fist right through the sternum. Sens win 81-12.

Result: Senators 2-1

21 January 2010:

Alex Kovalev puts on a dazzling show of puck handling tonight, but bedazzlement soon turns to horror when what was thought to be a puck is revealed to be … A HUMAN HEAD. Sens win 17-3 in overtime.

Result: Senators 3-2

19 January 2010:

Though the Chicago Blackhawks are the top team in the NHL, they are no match for the marauding pack of wild dogs that tears them apart in the third period. Sens win 74-6.

Result: Senators 4-1

18 January 2010:

Daniel Alfredsson is back, and this time he’s Out For Justice. At first, the Bruins were perplexed by his constant demands of “Anybody know why Richie killed Bobby Lupo?”, but puzzlement turned to horror as they all, to a man, succumbed to a hail of flailing kicks and fore-arm snaps. Sens win 40-14.

Result: Senators 5-1

16 January 2010:

That is not dead which can eternal lie and with strange aeons even death may die. So discovers Filip Kuba upon returning from his convalescence the Plains of Leng. Meanwhile, in his house at R’lyeh, Kovalev waits dreaming. Sens win 112-22.

Result: Senators 4-2

14 January 2010:

Strange events continue occur in Madison Square Garden this evening as a series of hauntings scare crowds away. However, investigation by the passing Senators — led by shaggy haired stoner Milan Michalek (voiced by Casey Kasem) — reveals it to be the machinations of a local real estate mogul who claims he “would’ve gotten away with it had it not been for you meddlin’ kids”. Sens win 73-4.

Result: Senators 2-0 (This prediction is widely considered to be the catalyst for the Senators’ recent winning streak)

12 January 2010:

The injury wracked Senators are given a boost in Atlanta when former disgruntled star Alexei Yashin returns from Russia and, recognizing that he still owes Ottawa a season, suits up for the visiting team (actually, he was in town to offer advice to Ilya Kovalchuk on how to bail on your team and the advantages of the KHL). Sens win 91-17.

Result: Thrashers 6-1

10 January 2010:

Due to a transportation mishap, only Shean Donovan makes it on to the ice in Carolina making this a closer game than usual. Despite taking several undisciplined penalties, the Senator holds on for the win. Sens win 7-0.

Result: Hurricanes 4-1

07 January 2010:

Realistically, the struggling and injury-riddled Senators’ chances of beating a high-powered Washington team that dominates at home can best be described as “slim to none”. Ah, who am I kidding: Sens win 112-4; Michalek scores 7 goals, all short-handed; Ruutu is awarded the Nobel Prize for Best Funk or R’n’B Album; and Kelly goes plus 2.

Result: Capitals 5-2

05 January 2010:

When Hell is full, the dead shall walk the earth as a zombie apocalypse sweeps through Scotiabank Place. Initially slow and shambolic, the game picks up pace when Ruutu feasts on Chara’s brains (he wasn’t a zombie — just Ruutu being Ruutu). Sens win 13-2, zombie Kovalev goes plus 2.

Result: Bruins 4-1

16 December 2009:

With Jason Spezza out of the Ottawa line-up, the Sabres are unable to gain any puck possession and the entire game is played in the Buffalo end. Bored to distraction, Brian Elliot works out a solution to Fermat’s Last Theorem midway through the third. Sens win 153-0.

Result: Senators 2-0

14 December 2009:

Heading into The TORONTO, Canada to resume the Battle of Ontario, the Sens have to overcome intense gravity wells and time dilation as a result of being so close to the Centre of the Universe. Victory is assured, however, when Toskala’s five hole expands its Schwarzschild radius and collapses in on itself. Sens win 401-17.

Result: Maple Leafs 3-2

12 December 2009:

Despite being late in the season (and rather far north), Hurricane Carolina converges from a tropical depression and blows into Ottawa this evening. Despite heavy crosswinds and a four minute double minor from Ruutu tripping an eyewall mesovortice in the neutral zone, the Sens, with the help of some silver iodide, prevail 12-5.

Result: Senators 4-2

10 December 2009:

Due to continued problems with production from the big stars, Clouston elects to replace his second line with a trio of gibbons against the Philadelphia Flyers. Their long arms and acrobatic athleticism help get pucks through the neutral zone, but their aggressive demeanour leads to a lot of needless penalties. Sens win 9-1, Elliot gets a Gordie Howe hat-trick.

Result: Senators 2-0

08 December 2009:

After much prodding from management, Alex Kovalev finally decides to stop phoning it in and … ah fuck it.

Result: Canadiens 4-1

05 December 2009:

Originally I was going to make a very clever and utterly hilarious joke about the Coyotes using all manner of complicated, Acme-manufactured contraptions in a futile and backfiring effort to stop the speeding Senators. However, it turns out that tonight’s game against Phoenix, according to The Television at least, does not exist.

Result: Coyotes 3-2 (untelevised game)

03 December 2009:

Bryan Murray tries to fire his team up by making all Senators equal, elected, and effective. Despite this new Triple-E Senate, Alberta still complains of underrepresentation and Jacques Demers still has trouble reading recommendation reports. Nonetheless, the Sens prevail over their monarchist opponents 105-50. Kelly goes plus 2.

Result: Kings 6-3

01 December 2009:

Sharks centre Joe Thornton will be permanently out of the lineup today after accepting a ride home from Heatley. Now deprived of a setup man and facing another three years of probation, Heatley sulks and demands a trade. Driven by powerful schadenfreude, Sens win 18-2.

Result: Sharks 5-2

28 November 2009:

A rather dull game against the Boston Bruins in which most of the second period is taken up by a prolonged chess match between Jarkko Ruutu and Mark Recchi. Sens win 331-119 in 50 overs, 19 not out.

Result: Bruins 4-3 (OT)

26 November 2009:

Taking Astrotrain back from New Jersey for tonight’s game against Columbus, a fuel shortage forces the Senators to jettison some of the dead weight of their injured players. Drifting in space, rugged winger Shean Donovan is found by Unicron, Devourer of Worlds, and is remade into Galvatron whose particle cannon proves the difference in the game. Sens win 17-4. Kelly goes plus 2.

Result: Senators 2-1

25 November 2009:

When the New Jersey Devils infiltrate Scotiabank Place, Mike Fisher, the toughest of all the space marines, is the only Senator left to face the demon horde (Alfredsson was fragged while shutting the teleporter down). Nonetheless, with his trusty shotgun in tow, Fisher battles through the imps and cacodemons, and ultimately defeats the Spider Mastermind. Senators win 27-3.

Result: Devils 3-1

[Editor’s note: Props to Old Man Ruddy for his comment on this prediction: “Fisher isn’t playing tonight.”]

23 November 2009:

The Ottawa Senatrotters play host to the Washington Generals in what is sure to be a fun-filled treat for the whole family. Though Chris “Curly” Neil spins a puck on the end of stick, Ovechkin doesn’t take it and the referees inexplicably allow play to continue as the Sens juggle multiple pucks. Sens win 21-3. Meadowlark Lemon gets 5 assists with his trademark no-look wrap-around passes.

Result: Senators 4-3

21 November 2009:

With a depleted line-up, Ottawa is forced to suit up Lyndon Slewidge whose powerful baritone proves a gamebreaker against the Sabres. Senators work hard to cycle the puck and gain yardage while Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo. Despite this hierarchized intimidation of Rust Belt bovines by Rust Belt bovines, Sens win 18-2 (OT).

Result: Senators 5-3.

19 November 2009:

Although the Penguins are known for their hardiness, aquadynamics, and habit of mating for life, Milan Michalek becomes only the fourth player in NHL history to score both his one hundredth and his two hundredth career goals in the same game. Sens win 105-3. Donovan picks up a hat-trick.

Result: Senators 6-2

17 November 2009:

A transportation mishap results in the Senators playing not the Maple Leafs, but the 1993 Toronto Blue Jays, admittedly a tougher opponent. Despite strong pitching from Dave Stewart, Sens win 45-36 in 11. Ruutu hits for the cycle.

Result: Senators 3-2

14 November 2009:

Goaltending worries lead the Sens to start with six skaters, with only Mike Fisher going back occasionally to check on the net. Bizarre non-Euclidean geometry in the neutral zone causes Gaborik to temporarily become non-existant. Sens win 10-1, all goals scored by Cheechoo.

Result: Rangers 2-1 (OT)


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