The Young Person’s Guide To Canada: Part 2

Section I – Meet The Provinces



Part B – Canada Proper

1: Province of Quebec

Capital: Chicoutimi (Summer); Ft. Lauderdale (Winter)

Imports: Bon Jovi Records, Feldspar, Pepsi.

Exports: Bells, Indie Rock, Molybdenum.

Fun Fact: Due to the province’s strict language laws, all English must be spoken at 40% lower volume than the majority Québécois.

Founded by Jesuits during the Carolingian Renaissance, the Province of Quebec was originally named “New France”.  Despite an initial positive reaction from consumers, “New France” was a marketing failure and the old France formula was reintroduced a couple of months later under the brand “France Classic”.

Some have suggested that the introduction of “New France” was a marketing ploy and that the company intentionally changed the formula hoping that consumers would be upset with the company and demand the original formula to return, which in turn would cause sales to spike.

Nonetheless, New France remained popular in some markets, particularly American Samoa, and remained an independent republic until Pierre Trudeau invaded in 1970.

Fig. 1: Canadian troops occupy Montréal following the overthrow of the FLQ regime.

Quebec is known as one of the world’s leading producers of bells.  Indeed, modern bellfounding was begun when Samuel de Champlain found vast fields of bells growing wild around the shores of Lake Manicouagan (most bells today, however, are made artificially from space age polymers).  Much of the province was covered by vast bell plantations each laid out in the familiar seigneurial system of thin strips of land fanning out from the banks of the St. Lawrence River.

Fig. 2: Where bells come from.

As a result of this famous cash crop, Quebec is informally known as “The Bell Province”.  The famous Great Bell of Dhammazedi was grown just outside of Trois-Rivières in 1484.  It was stolen from Rimouski’s Shwedagon Pagoda in 1608 by the Portuguese adventurer Filipe de Brito (who was in the area hustling cod from gullible Newfies).

Fig. 3: "No, I'm telling you, these nets are legal..."

Bell production, however, has dropped since the Quiet Revolution in which Roman Catholicism was officially outlawed across the land and replaced with the new state religion of Raëlism.

The Raëlian Church is headquartered in the fabled city of Montréal, which, so the legends say, lies perched among the clouds atop Mount Royal.  The Olympians who dwell there (along with a large number of indie bands) spend their time meddling in human affairs, drinking ambrosia, and conducting many fascinating, but thoroughly useless, scientific experiments.

Fig. 4: Sherbrooke Street's fashionable "Golden Square Mile".

The steep slopes of Mount Royal defy Euclidean geometry and are unscalable by mortal beings.  Aside from Robert Young Pelton, the only mortal to reach Montréal is Randolph Carter of Providence, Rhode Island who did so via a process of somnambulant teleplaning and heavy opium use.  Unfortunately, the night gaunts sent by Azathoth and the High Priest Not-To-Be-Described did him in before he could return to tell his tale, which suggests the whole thing was a bit of a hoax.

Another city, Surréal, lies beneath the adamantine base of Mount Royal.  It’s population consists of the descendents of people who took refuge from the nuclear war in the city’s metro system.  Over the generations, they built a magnificent technological utopia, but forbade travel to the surface world of Laurania.

The northern two thirds of Quebec is occupied by the Ungava Autonomous Oblast created on February 19, 1925 by separating lands of the ethnic Ungava from the Turkestan Autonomous Soviet Socialist Republic and Khorezm People’s Soviet Republic.  The vast forests of the region are home to much wildlife, and many American big game hunters come to shoot the caribou, wolverines, and hydroelectric damns that roam the area.

Fig. 5: A damn in its natural habitat.

Aside from the hunting ranches, the Ungava Autonomous Oblast is not considered safe for tourists.  The eastern  part of the region is rife with arms smugglers running guns into the Seal Rebellion in Labrador.  Shootouts between smugglers and Canadian Special Forces are known to occur around the cities of Fort Chimo, Fermont, and Quetta.  The western ports on the Hudson Bay coast have seen the cruise line and shipping industries disrupted by occasional attacks from Manitoba based pirates.

A separatist movement known as Ademon Nykhas has pushed for the independence of the Ungava Autonomous Oblast from Quebec and is responsible for numerous bomb attacks throughout the region.  A 1995 referendum saw secession of the region from Quebec narrowly defeated by 50.58% to 49.42%, although the vote was shrouded in controversy with accusations of ballot stuffing and intimidation.  The leader of Ademon Nykhas at the time, Torez Kulumbegov, caused a stir when he commented, allegedly under the influence of alcohol, that the loss for his side was attributable to “money and the ethnic vote”.

Aside from the indie bands of the mythological city of Montréal, Québecois music is known to alternate exclusively between the polarities of extreme coolness and serious uncoolness.  While the province has produced luminaries such as Leonard Cohen, Malajube, A Silver Mt. Zion, The Silver Mt. Zion Memorial Orchestra with Tra-la-la Band, and The Silver Mt. Zion Memorial Orchestra with Tra-la-la Band and Choir, it has also unleashed upon the world such unconscionable horrors as Celine Dion, Simple Plan, and, more domestically, La Chicane.  This peculiar effect, whereby there is no mediocre Québecois music, just awful or awesome, is known as the Jean Leloup / Eric Lapointe Dichotomy.

Fig. 6: Visual representation of the Jean Leloup / Eric Lapointe Dichotomy.

As a whole, the Province of Quebec has an abundance of resources including 90% of the world’s supply of zinc, as well as large reserves of mithril and cellophane.  Its Jesuit based school system is known for its wonderful aesthetics and produces many of the world’s leading industrial designers.

Also, French girls are easy.


~ by Isaac Bickerstaff on July 29, 2010.

One Response to “The Young Person’s Guide To Canada: Part 2”

  1. I’d love to know what a Quebecer would think of this!
    BTW I like Celine.

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