On That There Sting Song “I’m So Happy I Can’t Stop Crying”

This song pisses me off.  It’s actually almost a pretty good song.  And that’s a problem right there.  See, Sting annoys me to end.  I mean, Jesus Christ, his name is Sting.  So it’s rather unwelcome for him to have a good non-The Police track which I might run the risk of liking.

Fortunately, however, the problem with the awful thing – what makes it awful – is that it is ruined by a completely lacklustre, phoned-in, yet still overly-polished production.  It’s as if Sting, during the course of his churning out saccharinely pleasant, “spiritually aware”, soft pop-rock pop songs, stumbled upon a sweet chord change, got a talented session musician to lay down a pretty little finger-pickin’ guitar line, and then turned on the Plasticator Machine and called it a day.  Thus ruining for all time (or at least until the copyright laws run out) a perfectly nice melody along a good traditional chord sequence.

Perhaps someone in the studio may have asked, “Hey man, what are you going to do for a drum part?  Surely you’re not just going to leave that simple monotonous loop we used for a click track?”

No, instead of getting former The Police former pal Stewart Copeland to do what we can only presume would be a good job, Sting decided, “No, I’m just going to leave it because I am a pretentious dick and I don’t care about my music because I know it’ll sell anyway and I can go on living my self-important Rock Star Celebrity life.  So long as I have a silly haircut in the video, which will also, incidentally, squander the thoroughly awesome concept of cowboys and aliens.”

Fig. 1: A Berk

Also, while Mr. Sting has embraced some worthy causes such as saving the rain forest and coddling up to the world’s most photogenic theocrat, the Dalai Lama, he also played a private concert in Tashkent for Gulnara Karimova, the daughter of Uzbekistan leader and noted fan of boiling people alive, Islam Karimov.

Fucking top shelf asshole, that Sting guy.


~ by Isaac Bickerstaff on February 5, 2010.

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