On Predator 2

The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill

For some reason I sat down and watched Predator 2 last night.  While I quite liked the first movie, I’d never seen the sequel before.  With good reason, perhaps: it’s pretty ridiculous. Basically, for the uninitiated, it’s set in a then future 1997 Los Angeles where escalating gang warfare has attracted the attentions of intergalactic trophy hunter and noted vagina dentata, The Predator.  And it’s up to Danny Glover to stop him (though Gary Busey’s on the case as well).

As opposed to, say, the Alien*, Predators are more like us. They have a recognizable – and understandable – culture.  Indeed, it is even held to have some sort of moral “hunter’s” code: an honourable alien (it let the pregnant woman go).  And in the end, with the inevitable props scene, the viewer is led to feel some admiration for the noble trophy gatherer.  For example, at the end of the movie when Danny Glover has killed the Predator, a bunch of other Predators appear, carry off their slain brother, and give Mr. Glover – who is clearly too old for this shit – props (in the form of a vintage pistol) and sod off.  ***SPOILER ALERT***.  Whoops, too late.

Anyway, this code and honour malarkey is bullshit; the Predator’s really just a douchebag.  Let me lay down some science as to why.  To start, the Predator is physically superior to human beings in pretty much every way.  I mean, it loses half an arm and what does it do?  Ducks into a passing washroom, cauterizes the stump, takes a shot, and then gets right back in to fucking shit up.

On top of that it’s got a load of badass killing technology and seems to literally shit out all manner of complicated projectiles and explosives.  Oh yeah, and it skulks around in an invisibility suit, the cowardly little bastard.  Come on, you’ve pretty much got the whole city outgunned and nothing short of a nuclear explosion can seem to kill you, you might as well show yourself.  Fuck man, if I had an invisibility suit and a bunch of futuristic ray guns and ninja stars, I don’t think I’d really need superhuman strength to bag me some humans.  Of course, I’d use my powers for good and only target people who drive Porsche Cayennes.  The point is that for all the pomp and circumstance they attend to their ritualistic hunting forays, these Predators are a bunch of pussies who get their kicks torturing small, defenceless animals.  They also like underage girls.

So it doesn’t harm unarmed civilians.  Big whoop.  As if having a handgun is going to make one little bit of difference in this tilted fight.  And these assholes, we are led to believe, were doing this shit back in the day when, judging from the props pistol, people barely had firearms at all.  You could get maybe one little puny shot off before being impaled by an unnecessarily ornate spear, whereas the contemporary characters can at least bust out a spread before getting cut in half by a large, heat-seeking circular saw.

Moreover, the Predator seems to be a fan of tribal dancing, which is clearly more evidence of its douchebaggery.  Maybe that’s why the other Predators let Danny Glover kill him.  Fucking assholes.

Either way, clearly the best thing to do when confronted by a Predator is to immediately divest yourself of any weapons.  It will most likely become dispirited and cease the hunt.  This is a good opportunity to engage the creature.  It will have some pretty good stories.

Interesting fact: Bill Paxton has been harassed, assaulted, and/or killed by an Alien, a Terminator, and a Predator.

Also, in the first movie, both Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger later each somehow got elected Governor of Minnesota and California, respectively (Carl Weathers did not make it through the Nebraska gubernatorial primary).  Well, while there’s no future governors, Predator 2’s got Rubèn Blades, who went on to become Panama’s Minister for Tourism.

* I will refrain from using the more correct term, “Xenomorph”, because I do not want people to know that I know that this is the correct term.


~ by Isaac Bickerstaff on September 3, 2009.

7 Responses to “On Predator 2”

  1. Interesting take on Predator 2. Note to all: Don’t click Vagina Dendata accidently while at work.

  2. Whoops. Sorry ’bout that. I’ll change the link to the more SFW Wikipedia page on the subject.

  3. Awesome post! You know I hold Predator in high regards (I’ve bought it on 4 formats so far…including UMD) – but I agree that Predator 2 is a waste of film. Terrible, terrible movie. All of your points are bang on.

    The only redeeming factor in Predator 2 is Bill Paxton. Bill Paxton is wicked.

  4. Fun – E. The underage girl video you link to it hilarious. It’s less naughty than you think.

    Ok. How about this? Maybe Predator 2 is an incredibly sly critique of contemporary hunting practices. Too charitable a read? 🙂

  5. Predator 2 is not a sly critique of anything. Predator 2 is as sly as an obese chunk of granite what’s had its slyness organ removed. But that thought had occurred to me, except that in the Predator mythos, they’re still held up as noble warriors.

    Anyone notice that in the “To Catch A Predator” clip, the Predator’s screen name is “Pussyface87”?

  6. Great Post! It’s been a long time since I’ve seen this flick. I remember at the time thinking it was pretty cool the predators had an alien in their trophy room. Sterling’s point about a possible critique of contemporary hunting practices is interesting. Does an unarmed buck have more of a chance against a high powered hunting rifle with scope? Well there was that one youtube but aside from that?

    • I think the hunting analogy works if one thinks of a hunter who refuses to shoot deer without antlers, cause, you know, that wouldn’t be a fair fight like shooting deer with antlers. Presumably, they can use the antlers to deflect bullets.

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